What makes relationships so complicated? Why are they so hard?
While in or even before a relationship begins, time is not an element often considered to be a factor. Because this underlying condition has such an affect on relationships many end or never even begin.
I love the concept of time. It is so fascinating to me. How the timing of certain events in your life changes the outcome completely. Thus the saying “at the right place at the right time”
When it comes to relationships it is said that timing is everything. Well I don’t think it’s everything, but it certainly plays a crucial role in the outcome of a relationship or if one will even start. I think of it in relating to elevators. Sometimes you ride the elevator alone, sometimes you miss the elevator, but sometimes you make it to the elevator and that other person is on the same elevator and it works. Maybe perhaps sometimes there is someone holding the elevator door for you, waiting for you to get on. But it is being together on the same level or in this case elevator.
Everyone is different; everyone sees and feels things differently, at different speeds, at different moments and in different degrees. So of course individuals are going to have issues with relationships. When does it work perfectly? When the timing is right, when both persons are on the same level at the same time, wanting the same thing. But, this is not always the case. A lot of times one person develops feelings for another, and the other does not reciprocate these same feelings. Or perhaps that person does not reciprocate the same feelings at the same time. A lot of dating issues come from one person not being on the same level as the other. One is pursuing the other, and if there is not an immediate mirroring of feelings the pursuer stops pursuing. But maybe there is more to that, maybe the pursuer had months to obtain interest and a desire to pursue. And immediate reciprocal of feelings would in fact be irrational. So timing comes into play, one individual may have had longer to develop feelings than another. But still this doesn’t always matter because different people develop interest at different speeds, degrees and also in different ways.
So is this where patience begins? And when does being patient begin to not be in your best interest?
These are difficult questions. I’m a logical thinker, which is not always a good mix with relationships. Usually I look at the situation and ask myself, “Is this worth the risk? the time? the energy?” “What is the probability that this relationship will work out? Is the probability worth it?” Will my investment of time and energy be worth the risk and end result. In the case of being patient, asking yourself similar questions and assessing the situation could be just what you needed. First, you need to ask yourself, ok is this relationship in the “not going to happen” or “perhaps” or “ya, could happen” stage. Obviously if it’s in the “not going to happen” stage, it is time to peruse the selection of singles again. Ok, once you’ve got a feel for what stage, ask yourself another question, is the time and effort that I will put into this be worth the end result? And if the answer is yes, then yea it might be beneficial to you to be patient. Sometimes love is not gained through an immediate connection, or by dating, but sometimes through smaller ways, through friendship and kindness. And though they weren’t totally on board before, small moments can add up and turn into a wonderful relationship.
So perhaps you decided to be patient, when is it no longer the best thing for you? I don’t think there is a one single moment that determines this, but perhaps when you are no longer happy. Sometimes I feel that we are masochistic, in that we put ourselves knowingly through pain. It’s painful when you’re in the “friendzone” and you want to be more than that. But yet you stay because you feel that seeing this person everyday is better than not seeing them at all. There will be a point where either there is a relationship or there isn’t.
My friend JP gave the example of the movie “Bed of Roses” In the story Lewis sends this woman (Lisa) he doesn’t even know flowers. In reality a guy like this becomes a creepin’ creeper. Lisa is unsure about him, but he is persistent continually giving her flowers, he’s in too deep, he is in love. Lewis was ready to be in love. But sometimes we are not all ready to open our hearts, sometimes we’ve been hurt, sometimes we feel that we don’t have time for love. There is a fear in opening up to others, you don’t necessarily need to be completely open. Being able to be open and feel comfortable telling someone anything comes with time. This is another gradual process. It’s normal to feel like you can't tell someone everything or anything. A trust and a bond need to be built. There are many aspects of relationships that aren’t fast, that take time to grow and develop.
With the fast paced society and so many instant things surrounding us, we are used to, instant communication, instant breakfast, instant results, instant knowledge ect... Things are so readily available, but love is not instant, love is not shrink-wrapped and ready to buy. Love and relationships need to be able to grow. Relationships take effort and patience in the amount of time it can take to grow. So love and relationships take time, effort, patience and growth.
We all want to be in love, there is nothing else like it. But there are some who are afraid of being in love. Patience is sometimes what helps with those who are afraid. But most importantly love is not instant. The secret recipe only has two ingredients, the right person at the right time.